By David Mark
Before you dive into this blog, we wanted to share the definition of regret:
Regret can also be experienced as loss.
There used to be a website, I think it was deathclock.com. Don’t think it exists anymore. It looked at your date of birth and a few other factors and gave a very non-empirical estimate of how many years you would have to live. That may sound gloomy with a capital G, or you could do a 180 and it may be the best news you ever heard. Existential philosophers have been thinking about this for hundreds of years, because if you really, really, really deeply considered approximately how many years you have left, you probably wouldn't squander them, wishing, scrolling, watching, blaming or procrastinating. Of course, one person's squander is another person's treasure.
So you all know that slightly hackneyed but helpful adage, that my parents would drum into us as kids when we would scream ‘it’s my life,’ with the wise but annoying retort ‘any fool can learn from their own mistakes, but it takes a wise person to learn from others.’
So let’s harvest some of the collective wisdom, through a mixture of qualitative and quantitative research. Maybe we could learn a thing or seven.
1.Spending too much time worrying. Many older adults expressed regret about wasting time worrying about things beyond their control. They viewed time as a precious resource and felt excessive worry was an inexcusable waste. At the New School of Nutritional Medicine, we spend valuable time teaching our students about the nervous system and how it’s a threat calculating machine. The interaction between these brain regions is complex. For example, the amygdala can quickly trigger a fear response before the prefrontal cortex has time to fully process the situation. This rapid response can be life-saving in the face of immediate danger but can also lead to over-reactions in non-threatening situations. But the truth is, and thankfully, we are rarely in life-threatening situations, whether facing a roaring and hangry lion in the savannah or being thrown into a war zone. This type of worrying or anxiety is different. There may be alterations in the functioning of these brain regions, such as hyperactivity in the amygdala or reduced volume in the hippocampus and prefrontal cortex. Through accurate assessment of what is going on in the lives of our students (and their potential clients), and doing honest reflection by surfacing our thoughts, emotions, experiences, sensations and memories is powerful as we are acknowledging through awareness what’s really going on and not displacing them. Through acceptance, this is a transformational stage of working with worry. We also sensitively explore how true these worries and anxieties are, and perhaps there is a deeper set of embedded core beliefs which need challenging. We are applying neural-plasticity (creating new ways of thinking, experiencing, feeling) and it’s like switching from driving on a four-lane motorway (anxiety) to driving on a dirt track that eventually will become a single, then double lane (transforming our anxiety) (Perry, 2021). This takes time, compassion and belief. Importantly different interventions work for each individual and requires some experimentation.
The good news is, we don’t have to live a life of worry, we can change.
2. Not being more loving to important people in their lives. Many regretted not being more understanding, caring, and present for loved ones. This one seems easy, right, just be more loving, caring, understanding and present. Not so fast my young Jedi. You see, that older person may have grown up in a home, where their parents were disciplinarians, critical or absent. You get the picture. Epigenetics of trauma (which is another word for wound) refers to the study of how traumatic experiences can lead to changes in gene expression without altering the underlying DNA sequence (Yehuda & Lehrner, 2018).
These changes can potentially be passed down to future generations. But once we recognise that, not only do we have awareness, we can actively do something about this. You know when you get on a flight, and the flight attendants start the safety procedure, who do they tell you to put the mask on first? You and then loved ones around you.
At the New School of Nutritional Medicine, we teach our students to put their mask on first by doing the inner coaching work in year 1. We teach our students research-based methods to cultivate self-compassion, so that over time, by being able to love themselves and look after their own needs they can extend this love to the important people in their lives. We also spend a big chunk of the practical training in Year 1, applying some of the core principles of Person Centred Therapy. In practice sessions (triads), under supervision, they practise being empathic (not sympathetic), employing unconditional respect and dignity, and finally moving the encounter/relationship towards being increasingly genuine. This work takes much unlearning, relearning and applying, and it means renegotiating what a healthy relationship could be like (professionally / personally), without the need to outshine or compete with others. Eventually, this reduces the internal unquenchable need to fix or perform and this space is safe, healthy and restorative. Over time, our students can be more loving/compassionate to themselves, and the important people in their lives.
3. Not taking better care of themselves. There was regret about not paying more attention to health, diet, sleep and overall well-being earlier in life. This comes as no surprise, as we tend to think we are invincible until we are not. Every day our body is working for us, not against us, but we as the human race seem to be working against it. At the New School of Nutritional Medicine, we know food is medicine and your kitchen pantry contents can be healing or damaging. Taking better care of yourself is not just about the food on your plate and knowing about nutrient robbers or nutrient enhancers, epigenetic mutations, but the quality of your sleep and how much you sleep. Without which we cannot 'detox' our lymphatic system in the brain known as the glymphatic system. Detoxing this system is a vital step in the prevention of dementia. Teaching our students biochemical individuality allows each of student to better serve their clients and community.
We know that the exact same breakfast of chia seed pudding made with Greek yoghourt and a handful of berries will not have the same sugar releasing impact in two different individuals and neither will the omega 3, alpha linolenic acid be converted to the grandchild molecules EPA (eicosapentaenoic acid) and DHA (docosahexaenoic acid) to the same degree in the same two people, so why not start with eating well and sleep well, and next is move well. Daily exercise, taking the stairs instead of the lift, walking up the escalators, walking to work even if it means getting off a few stops earlier, so you can get in some exercise and build health, prevent chronic illnesses. Better still choose to go for a walk following your main meal, ideally in nature, but don't let that stop you if you live in the city. Slowing down and engaging your parasympathetic nervous system, allowing the body to heal and repair. Sitting down to eat, tasting each bite, noticing your bodily sensations, not only aids digestion it also boosts immunity as it better nourishes the all important microbiome. Our students start to implement their nutrition medicine education into their lives from the first teaching weekend, this can include doing various functional tests if they so wish. Remember, start with the low hanging fruit, the food on your plate, sleep, exercise, slowing down and being in nature.
4. Not pursuing their dreams or taking more risks or choosing more meaningful work. Fear of failure held many back from living more fulfilling lives. On a personal note, between 2015-17, yours truly interviewed 111 older people across London. When asked if they had a time machine, what would they change? Over 68% said they wished they had taken more risks. How many people do we know are in a job, trudging through treacle for years, maybe even decades? It sounds bizarre, but I’m willing to bet many people have spent more time thinking about their football team's chances of winning X, or what this perfect partner/body/house/car/golf swing might be, than exploring what kind of work would be more meaningful and fulfilling. If time is our most precious resource isn’t it imperative to discover what gives us meaning, what excites us, what are the activities we do when we lose our sense of time, space and even hunger, what fires up our imagination, what is worth risking? At the New School of Nutritional Medicine, especially in coaching we first explore what is an individual's personal emerging philosophy, what gives meaning, and what would they be willing to fight over. We unearth these first so that when we get to the 'daring to dream', it is based on a solid foundation of their deepest core values that they weighed up with consideration as well as imagination. Through transforming mindsets and technology we are no longer slaves to a single lane, single job, and 20th-century career paths and we can bend reality. What do we mean? It’s now possible to have a rich portfolio life, mixing vocations and this would include caregiving. We are not dreaming our lives away, we are dreaming and doing.
5. Not finding fulfilment or living up to their ideal self-image. Many older people felt they allowed limiting beliefs or others' opinions to prevent them from achieving goals and feeling truly happy. As part of the integrative life coaching, we fuel our student's creativity and imagination. Not only have we mapped our deepest values, we consider our identity. “I am not who you think I am; I am not who I think I am; I am who I think you think I am” (Charles Horton Cooley)
Traditional views of identity could be boxed into criteria such as: gender, race, age, religion, social class, geography, and sexuality and it’s bigger, much bigger and could include our competencies, our resources, our strengths and weaknesses, our behaviours and our life context. Our identity is complex, and this can be shaped by others' opinions of us and reinforced by our own opinions of ourselves. However, our identity is not set in stone for time immemorial.
Remember the neuroplasticity stuff we talked about earlier? This is unbelievably valuable, because between our ears, we possess the amazing neurobiology and agency to change, transform if we want to. This is good news indeed! This means we don’t have to over-identify with limiting beliefs, whether the limited beliefs were adopted from others or our own or a combo of both. It means we can live fulfilling lives, find meaning in our lives (maybe not the meaning of life) and in doing so experience growth, wonder, adventure and freedom. At the New School of Nutritional Medicine , not only do we teach you how, through various modalities, including Cognitive Behavioural Coaching (CBC), Narrative Coaching, and Socratic Questioning, but it also means as a coach you are equipped to work with your clients to experience these changes. Are you getting a sense, of why we are so excited about integrating Nutritional Medicine with Life Coaching, the potential societal impact could be 1000 to the power of X.
6. Working too much. Many regretted spending excessive time at work at the expense of family time and important life moments. We’ve heard that famous quote, by Peter Tsongas.
‘Nobody on their deathbed ever said, I wish I spent
more time in the office.'
And this is a useful starting place. Let’s start with some assumptions, if you had to work three jobs to feed the family and keep the lights on, this doesn’t apply to you. The question we must ask is what is going on underneath? What would compel a person to spend excessive time at work? Let’s play stay-at-work bingo. Is it because there was a culture or a personal fear that if you didn’t get in early / leave late you could be seen as a slacker? Is there something about how you are perceived and does this link to self-worth? Or was there a real risk that the culture of the organisation meant not being seen doing extra hours could precipitate into management questioning commitment and ultimately influence job security? If that was the case, was this even the right company to be working for?
It could have been that you stayed in a role or career, to prove that by being good/great / the best (take your pick), there was a distorted convoluted logic, that others may like you more and that meant you would like or accept yourself. I know in the early years of my career, this was the case, and the risk of failure was unthinkable and anathema. Boy have I learned. We teach our students to explore, what is their relationship to failure (and then their client's relationship to failure).
On the topic, one of the New School’s advisors, Dr Amy Redmond, wrote a PhD thesis on the relationship between startups and failure. How fascinating! An alternative line of enquiry on a deeper level, might be that there was an anxiety of being with your partner and children, and staying longer at work was the perfect alibi. So we teach our students to explore what was/is going on for their client, because by understanding the why, we can question it, change our relationship to it and then change the how. Make sense so far?
7. Not furthering their education. Research has shown education is one of the top categories where people express regret later in life. We at the New School love learning, and all the lecturers are all geeky in a fun kind of way. It’s true, we have been known to take up to eight hours to create a single slide and also rewrite lectures as the emerging science has developed. We want our students to skip to each school weekend and cry at the end of it. Maybe not the cry bit. We explain to our students that this is a rare opportunity where they can study two of their favourite subjects; nutritional medicine and people (especially themselves through Inner Coaching). When we are younger, education happens so fast, it can feel like a blur.
Here is a delicious opportunity for students to immerse themselves in the fascinating and evolving domains of biological and psychological health.
The research suggests that as people age and gain perspective, they tend to focus more on relationships, personal growth, and living authentically rather than material or superficial concerns. Many of the top regrets centre around how time was spent and whether it aligned with their true values and priorities in life.
Want to train at the New School of Nutritional Medicine?
And qualify as a nutritional therapist and life coach with additional tools including Rapid Relief Homeopathy?
Here is Emma, sharing about her experience so far at the New School of Nutritional Medicine. Emma is now moving into year 2 in September 2024, where the coaching moves to outer coaching: looking at clients and their goals and concerns and how to building a successful practice. In year 2 Emma will also be joining the live school clinics, where the learning takes on a whole new dimension.
We are taking applications now. Click below to apply.
Have you had a look through our syllabus? We have a few films in there too, that we suggest our students watch.
To Wholeness!
From the team at the New School Of Nutritional Medicine
Learn about the Founder & Principal of the New School of Nutritional Medicine, Dr Khush Mark PhD HERE.
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